Why Do I Dwell on the Past, Even When It Worked Out?

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anxiety, Asperger's Syndrome, Autism, books, bullying, fantasies, He Was Weird, obsessions

Everybody has an event or more in their life they’d like to change. Something they would have done or said different in a particular situation in the hope that it would have achieved a better outcome for them. I know I do. All of my instances of being bullied, for instance. It goes without saying that I would have loved to have changed those events. Mostly, I kick the bully’s ass and everyone leaves me alone after that. Fortunately, writing “He Was Weird,” has done that for me. I no longer finding myself wanting to go back in time and imagine a different outcome because I have written one down and put it in print. Okay, my new outcome is much more bloody and violent but it has the same effect. Saying that, over the past few years, there has been another situation I find myself dwelling over and I can’t figure out why. The strange thing is that particular situation actually worked out for me in the end.

It goes back to the very late 1980s when I worked in a factory in East London. I started there as a cleaner and my first few attempts at progression were thwarted. A couple of times, it was because someone higher up wanted to get their friend into the job and on one occasion, both of my supervisors rubbished my work to the personnel manager by saying I lacked motivation as a cleaner, just to get a popular ex employee back in.

The last time it happened, it was an application to another department but I was rejected and the company hired some outsiders over me. One of my workmates, a Marxist militant, told me the company was victimizing me and that I should go see the union. When I mentioned this to my wife, she implored me not to go to the union because if I did, the company would brand me a trouble maker and start finding fault with me. Therefore, I didn’t go to the union.

To make a long story short, two and a half months after that, I was given advancement in my own department. Many people said it was about time and that I deserved it. So it was a happy ending. However, a few years ago, I have been imagining what would have happened if I had gone to the union. Those thoughts were reinforced by a memory when during the first week in my new job, the shop steward happened to go past and as he did commented, “You’re a filler now, aren’t you?” Maybe I would have had a case if I had gone to the union.

With my Asperger’s mind, I have tried to include all variable into the changed situation in my mind. I honestly believe that if I had gone to the union, they would have backed me to the hilt. Furthermore, I don’t think the company would have thought this worth a confrontation with the union, so a deal would have been worked out guaranteeing me advancement and that I would have done so much sooner. On the downside, while I might not have been branded a trouble maker, there would have been some resentment from management because they would have been forced into moving me into a new job, though I don’t think they would have tried to sabotage me. However, I would have been known as the one who only got the job because the union said so. That I needed the union’s help to advance in the company because I couldn’t do it on my own. Plus, it wouldn’t have just been management thinking the last part. Anytime it suited anyone on the shop floor, they could have pointed out that the reason I was no longer pushing a broom was on account of the union. Yes, people sometimes have short memories. That is why at least I can say that I advanced through my own merit.

Now that I have written all of this down, hopefully, like when I wrote, “He Was Weird,” it will disappear from my mind. Then again, I can always write a book about it, though I don’t think there would be much action in it. What I wonder though is that I don’t think I am the only person in the world who has thought this way.

To buy He Was Weird, go to: http://www.amazon.co.uk/He-Was-Weird-Michael-Lefevre/dp/1909740942/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1459160108&sr=1-1&keywords=he+was+weird

Even More Weird Actions That Seem Logical to Me

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anxiety, Asperger's Syndrome, Autism, books, clothing, exclusion, music, obsessions, religion

Most people like music. It may be different styles, genres or tastes but the bottom line is that nearly everybody likes music. Even those religious nuts who want to ban rock and roll like music, provided Jesus is in the lyrics of the songs. Most music lovers, when they buy a record, CD, etc will immediately play the music they’ve just acquired. If they really like that piece of music, they will play it several more times, even to the point of ‘playing it to death.’ I’m the same, when I buy an album, the first thing I’ll do is pop it into the car stereo and listen to it. I will also make a judgement how much I like it. However, no matter how much I like that new album, I won’t constantly play it again right after the first listen. Instead, it will go in between the CD I listened to before I bought the new one and the one I intend to listen to next.

See, I listen to my CDs in strict rotation according to how they are displayed on the shelf. That new CD won’t be listened to until it comes around again on that rotation. I have been doing this ever since I started buying cassette tapes back in 1980. The funny thing there is that my cassettes were arranged in alphabetical order so I had to completely rely on memory for my tape rotation. You’d might have thing this task would become more daunting as my collection grew. The funny thing was that it didn’t. When I bought a new cassette, it would go into the rotation as normal and I would remember it when its turn came up again. On the odd occasion, I might have forgotten the odd tape in the rotation but once I remembered I had forgotten it, I would play it next and make sure I wouldn’t forget it next time it came up to be played.

I have become the same way with my clothing. My t-shirts and jeans are piled up on shelves and drawers and I wear them in rotation. If the situation warrants, I might alter things a little but the item of clothing that got passed over, would be worn next.

To many, these actions may be considered weird. On the other hand, I bet anyone with Asperger’s Syndrome who is reading this would think that my system is quite logical. It’s logical to me at least. My argument for both is this: If I play music in rotation, I don’t get tired of listening to an album because I played it to death. Obviously, there are some albums that I am more eager to listen to than others and that makes the listening that much better when it comes up in its rotation. As for the clothes, that’s another story. See, because I am not constantly wearing the same items of clothing, they last longer. Letting them have a “rest” goes a long way in preventing wear and tear, so I think there’s advantages to wearing clothes in rotation.

Before some write this off simply as a trait of Asperger’s Syndrome, let me offer further food for thought as to why I am this way with music and clothes. Call it Asperger’s Syndrome or not but I have a fanatical sense of ‘fair play.’ I like to see no one or nothing, being left out. Therefore, everything gets an equal play with me, be music, clothes and if I can arrange it, people. I think this goes back to those three years of bullying hell where I was not only bullied in the traditional sense, but often excluded as well and as I said before, that can be more painful than punches.

In “He Was Weird,” Mark has no obsessions like these but he faces exclusion nonetheless. Those reflections are why I am so committed to fair play for people and possessions.

To buy He Was Weird, go to http://www.amazon.co.uk/He-Was-Weird-Michael-Lefevre/dp/1909740942/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1458763930&sr=1-1&keywords=he+was+weird

 

 

 

Recent Thoughts on School Shootings and Guns

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Americans, books, guns, He Was Weird, school security, school shootings, schools, Security, teachers

Just like it says in the title, recently, I have been thinking about school shootings. It has always been in my mind since the day I thought about writing “He Was Weird,” which was five years ago now. What brought it to my mind’s forefront was an article I read on line last week. It was an advice piece given by some security expert on what students should do if they are confronted by a shooter in their school. The expert says that students should throw whatever comes to hand at the shooter, books, pencils, chairs etc. The theory is that objects flying in the shooter’s direction will prevent him/her from pulling the trigger, thus saving lives. After quashing my initial reaction to crease over in laughter, I realise that this tactic might work if it’s the only viable alternative. That there are no escape routes and no one else to tackle the shooter. However, I can easily see a lot of lives lost if this were attempted as the norm. I’m not an expert but my advice to anyone confronted by a shooter is, if they’re able, to get the hell out of dodge!

I know that the above tactic would not have worked on Mark when he shoots up his school in “He Was Weird.” Main reason is the fact that his shooting spree happens on the school playground and he doesn’t let anyone get near enough to throw anything at him.

Now I come to the argument that the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. There is a lot of truth in that belief. Police officers and others duly trained in such situations would stop a school shooter cold. However, it would probably not be the case with armed teachers or pupils being allowed to conceal and carry. The latter opens a totally different can of worms that I won’t go into now. Not long ago, I read that simulations where a ‘good guy’ with a gun was on hand to stop a school shooter were played out. In all of those scenarios, the good guy with the gun failed to prevent a reduction in the casualties and in some cases, inflicted more. To learn more, click on this link: http://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2015/12/11/9891664/daily-show-mass-shootings

Once again, I put the above situation with Mark in the story. Would an armed teacher or student have stopped him from shooting so many people? My answer is probably not. Mark’s biggest fear when planning his big day was being taken alive. If there had been someone with a gun, he would have been prepared for that as well. Even if the good guy with the gun was successful in shooting Mark, that would have been what he wanted in the first place.

Further thoughts about this has led me to think about “He Was Weird.” When writing the story, it was never my intention to go fully into the gun debate. Yes, it does get mentioned because after all, a thirteen year old boy is able to get his hands on an Uzi and a nine millimetre pistol and reek so much havoc in his school. However, I didn’t think that was the important part of the story and back then, I wasn’t totally sure where I stood on the issue of guns.

Now I am sure. First, I’m a realist. No matter how much many Americans want the second amendment repealed, it will never be. The NRA lobby is too strong and there are too many Americans who don’t want to give up their guns, responsible owners or otherwise. However, not too long ago, I heard something said and if it’s true, it’s completely shocking. Apparently, there are enough gun laws on the books to sufficiently deal with the gun problem. However, these laws aren’t being adequately enforced. My question to this is “Why the hell not?” The whole purpose of the law is to protect the innocent and with guns, there is a more important need for the laws to be properly enforced and it’s wrong if they are not being so. So, I propose that we start enforcing the gun laws we already have. Gun owners shouldn’t have a problem with this because if their gun ownership is within the law, then there is no threat of the law taking them. For the anti-gun lobby, they should have the satisfaction that something is being done to control guns by making sure the laws are being followed. Furthermore, if the proper enforcement of gun laws don’t adequately solve the problem, then we can talk about toughening the gun laws.

To buy He Was Weird, go to http://www.amazon.co.uk/He-Was-Weird-Michael-Lefevre/dp/1909740942/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1458160819&sr=1-1&keywords=he+was+weird

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do We Have The Right to Hate?

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Asperger's Syndrome, books, bullying, D.A.M.P., hate, He Was Weird, religion, stereotypes

Really, I should just be able to put a big ‘NO’ to this and move on because actually, I think most people would agree that no one has the right to hate anyone else. But if I ended it there, where would be the fun in that? The sad truth is that there are many people out there who genuinely do feel they have the right to hate others. While I won’t go into any specific examples there are plenty of them. This hatred arises from some wrong done to a person or it may have been done to their family, friends, love ones etc or even to their ancestors. Whatever the reason behind it, the question remains, does anyone have the right to hate?

I thought I did when I was thirteen. After I moved out of the town that inflicted so much pain and bullying on me to the point that I wrote “He Was Weird,” I came to a conclusion about many of my bullies. I noticed that the majority of my bullies in that town I lived in, along with the bullies, although a lot less severe, in the two towns I had lived in prior, all had one thing in common: They were Catholic and therefore I had the right to hate all Catholics. Adding more fuel to the fire was earlier that year, I had gone through my confirmation classes at my church and the one item that stayed in my mind was when the pastor stated that the reason why we were in the Protestant Church was to protest against the false teachings of the Catholic Church. Therefore, I had all the ammunition I needed to justify my hatred.

Fortunately, this hatred didn’t last very long. One thing that hastened its end was the fact that I knew a lot of Catholics who were good to me. Then a few years later, I experienced bullying within my own church youth group. I really couldn’t say that Catholics were behind that bullying. No matter what the circumstance, no one has the right to hate, at least groups of people because a few persons within that group treated one badly. It’s just simply bad stereotyping.

Now to the shameless link to “He Was Weird.” To make a long story short, Mark doesn’t hate any one group of people. Instead, he hates most of the people in the town of Ramsgate for the suffering they have inflicted on him. In fact, feedback from one reader stated that when Mark was shooting up the school, you could feel him releasing all of his hate. Not even Mark would have a right to hate the entire town, though he might be forgiven for hating his actual bullies. I know I did for a long time. However, I knew that keeping all of that hate inside me would have eaten away at me so I let it go. No one should feel that they have a right to hate.

To buy He Was Weird, go to: http://www.amazon.co.uk/He-Was-Weird-Michael-Lefevre/dp/1909740942/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1457469554&sr=1-1&keywords=he+was+weird

 

Obsession or Logic?

Tags

anxiety, Asperger's Syndrome, Autism, logic, money, obsessions

The only truly logical person I know.

Boy, I never knew this series of posts would take me off on such a tangent but it has. These posts have a way of venturing deep into long since locked closets in my mind and unlocking them. On the good side, they have cleared out many of those skeletons who have been inhabiting them for so many years. So, permit me to do a little more clearing out. Saying that, this post is more about he interesting way my mind works and little to do with any experiences from the past.

My recent posts on logic and what seems weird to others but logical to me has given me thought about the adults I work with who have Asperger’s Syndrome. The reason why many of the adults I work with are in supervised living is because if left to their own devices, they would spend most or all their money feeding their obsessions and have no money left to pay for the essentials. Examples, Melvin, who I have talked about in ancient posts, would spend all his money on vintage post cards or models. Likewise, Ernie would spend all his on trousers. There is a gentleman named Arnold who would buy loads of Star Wars figures and the only lady in our care, Wilma, would spend all her money on clothes. This is how deep obsessions can run with people who have Asperger’s Syndrome. They are obsessed with buying the things they are obsessed with that the necessary things go out the window.

Now some of you may be thinking, “Why don’t you just stop their obsessions?” Have you ever told someone with Asperger’s Syndrome they can’t have the thing they most desire? That would be like voluntarily walking into an earthquake. Their mental state would suffer and your life would be hell. Therefore, what we do is to help them manage their spending. We allow them to buy one or two items of something they truly want in a week and the rest goes towards more necessary things. This plan works because the service users know they are still getting those things they are obsessed with without going broke. That makes everyone’s life easier.

This may appear not to apply to me because I don’t spend all my money on my obsessions. Instead, I fanatically budget my money. When the pay cheques go into my account, I already know how that money is going to be spent. Any surprise money going in or out is also immediately accounted for. I remember having to cover a shift for a colleague who had to suddenly take some time off. The colleague rang to thank me and offered to come in for a couple of hours so I could have a break. I said it wasn’t necessary and although I didn’t say this, the reason why I was willing to stay on was because I had already mentally spent the overtime. Some will say that I am just being prudent and a wise financial planner, others would call this an obsession. What do you think?

To buy He Was Weird, go to: http://www.amazon.co.uk/He-Was-Weird-Michael-Lefevre/dp/1909740942/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1457026078&sr=1-1&keywords=he+was+weird