I Should Have Told My Story

Tags

Americans, anxiety, Asperger's Syndrome, books, Great Britain, stereotypes

With all my reflection of my past, another ‘what if’ arises to play with my Asperger’s mind. This one goes back to late 1986, early 87 when I attended Queen Mary College in London. During that time, I was feeling very angry towards the United States after receiving a letter that for me at the time was the straw that broke the camel’s back and had me declaring that I hated my country. That event was the Veteran’s Administration refusing to give me any of my Veteran’s Education money on the grounds that my course of study wasn’t approved.

I told my immediate friends, both American and British, about my feelings and all of them were very sympathetic towards me. However, I toyed with the idea that I should tell my story to the college newspaper. I thought it might be a good story about how an American veteran is being so badly treated by his country. I’m sure that many a British student and a good number of Americans would have been surprised and impressed at what I had to say. So why didn’t I?

The main reason was that I was afraid of being thought of as an attention seeker. This was something I was accused of being in my childhood and in my young adult life, I went too far the other way out of fear of being thought of as such. Furthermore, there was the two extremes of British politics at the college. On the left, I would have been seen as a martyr against the Imperialist American state. The positive being that they would have jumped on my story as proof of how America treats the working class, even though they served the country. I know I would have been caught up in that furor. Meanwhile, the right would have been quick in their attempts to discredit me. They would have tried to make me out to be some whinging crybaby and downplay the validity of my accounts. Not that I feared anything from them really. Then of course, it would have put the other American students in an awkward situation, again, I wouldn’t have cared too much about that. However, most would have said nothing in public while secretly wishing me that it all would work out for me.

Another thing to note would be the fact that I would have said something a few British students might not have liked. See, during my year at Queen Mary, there was this stereotype by British students that all American ones were filthy rich. That surely didn’t apply to me and because of that, I would have attacked that stereotype. Some British students would have taken offense to that. I don’t think the college administration would have been too happy with me either for accusing the college of thriving on the myth that all American students were rich. In my defense, I would have likened myself to Fredrick Douglas, an escaped slave who spoke for the abolitionist cause. When he was talking about slavery in the South, he was a hero but when he spoke out against prejudice in the North, it didn’t sit too well with people. It might have been the same with me in regards to the US and the UK.

In hindsight, I think that I should have told my story to the college paper, warts and all. I would have gotten it all off my chest and not have been such an angry young man. I realize now that most of my anxieties over why I didn’t do it wouldn’t have impacted much on my story and it would have explained a lot to people about me. It wouldn’t have been attention seeking either and I think that people might have been generally interested in what I had to say. Of course, if there were blogs thirty years ago, it would have been that much easier.

To buy He Was Weird, go to https://www.amazon.co.uk/He-Was-Weird-Michael-Lefevre/dp/1909740942/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1488318403&sr=1-1&keywords=he+was+weird

Note to Trump Haters- Leaving Is Not the Answer

Tags

Americans, Asperger's Syndrome, Donald Trump, Great Britain, He Was Weird, intolerance, Jello Biafra, Marine Corps, Politics, stereotypes, Sweden

Now that the US election is finally over and Donald Trump will be the next president, (I voted for Jill Stein), I am now taking time to reflect on reactions and possibilities resulting from Trump’s election. One thing that has caught my attention and amused me is the amount of people who now want to leave the US because they don’t like the fact that Trump was elected. Even my sister joked about emigrating to Australia. All the talk about people leaving the country has brought back something from my past and now I feel the need to share it.

Green Party Candidate Jill Stein

Thirty years ago, I was a rather angry young man. Experiences after coming out of the marines left me with the feeling that I had given America the four best years of my life only for America to give me nothing but heartache in return. The final straw came when I was went to England to study at the University of London for a year. I had been in college for about two months when the Veteran’s Administration informed me that my course of study wasn’t approved and they weren’t going to pay for my studies. Of course they also sent me forms for the college to fill out in order to get approval but for me but my mind had already been made up that America had screwed me once too many times.

Growing up in a religious family, I decided to pour my soul out to the college chaplain. After all, he was very vocal against then president Ronald Reagan’s Contra War on Nicaragua so I thought he’d give me loads of sympathy and help me get on a plane to Sweden. He wasn’t shocked at my opening line: “This might shock you coming from an American student but I hate my country.” I then proceeded to explain how America had gone too far to the right under Reagan and I was a victim of social and political intolerance in that country. He listened but he had no intention of putting me on that plane to Sweden. It was what he said about Reagan America that has relevance here. He told me, that leaving America would only serve Reagan because there would be nobody to voice opposition to him.

These days, I see his point. The problem was back then, I was such an angry young man that I believed his words proved a former work colleague back in America who was ultra- conservative to be right. This colleague used to say that every non American in the world was trying to come to the US, not true. However, if all the Trump haters left the country because they didn’t like him, that would only strengthen him as there would be little opposition. The best way to keep Trump or any elected official in check is to voice your opposition to them. If that official does something you don’t agree with that might be bad for the nation, let them know it and let those who voted for that official know it too. Leaving the country is not the answer. Besides, Trump won’t know or care if you did leave.

Jello Biafra

During her campaign, Stein took advice in the words of one of my heroes, Jello Biafra, who said the best thing to do, especially against a corporate entrenched medial is to become the media. Inform people why you believe what you do and why you didn’t vote for Donald Trump or in my case Hillary Clinton either. The problem is the way the left has gone about it and here again, Biafra’s words are wise. Simply calling someone who doesn’t agree with you a redneck or a bigot or in Clinton’s case, deplorable isn’t going to win them around to your way of thinking. In fact, it will drive them in the opposite direction. One of the things that made me so determined to vote Stein was the Democrats insistence that voting for Jill was a vote for Donald Trump. I found that very patronizing just as much as calling someone who doesn’t agree with you, ‘stupid.’

This insults my intelligence

Now some who know me may be thinking I’m a hypocrite because I have lived in Great Britain since I came here thirty years ago. Yes, sure my angry young man phase had a lot to do with it but the main reason I remained in the UK was down to affairs of the heart. If I hadn’t met and married a British woman, I probably would have ended up back in the US. Otherwise, I might have gone back to the US when Bill Clinton was elected president. Even when we split in 2000, the idea of returning was a non issue because I feared I would never see my three children again. Besides, I doubt that Sweden would have let me emigrate there, I could be wrong. What I do know in my Autumn years is that the chaplain was right on this one, (though I still say he was incorrect to say that I came to Britain to run away). The best way to keep Donald Trump or any politician you don’t agree in check with is to voice your opposition in the correct manner.

To buy He Was Weird, go to https://www.amazon.co.uk/He-Was-Weird-Michael-Lefevre/dp/1909740942/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1479122372&sr=1-1&keywords=he+was+weird

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Intolerance Has Made Me More Tolerant

Tags

bullying, christianity, clothing, exclusion, France, Great Britain, intolerance, islam, Mormons, race relations, religion, sexism, social settings, stereotypes

In my last post, I talked about the intolerance I received as a youth and young adult over my clothing. Briefly, I caught a lot of grief from people because I still wanted to wear a baseball jacket when I was eleven and for growing my hair long when I got out of the marines. While it wasn’t as severe as the grief I got for my hair, I also caught a lot of intolerance over my chosen footwear, my Native American moccasin boots. The experience left me feeling rather bitter in many ways and kick started my angry young man phase, whose peak was reached the first year I came to Great Britain.

I loved these boots and wore them most of the time

One good thing, if you want to call it that, arose from all that intolerance. It made me learn to be more tolerant towards others, especially in the realm of clothing. For many years, this tolerance wasn’t tested much but recently, with all the talk about women’s dress and Islam over the past few years, that tolerance has been tested a lot more and it hasn’t always been easy.

First, let me join in the burka debate. Like so many well meant Westerners, I thought that this item of clothing was a means of suppression. I will agree that in some sects of Islam, it is. My eyes were opened quite a few years back when I was supply teaching at a school not far away. The school secretary was a Muslim woman in full burka. I have to admit, my personal stereotypes here had me around the edges until the woman initiated a conversation with me. After about 0.3 seconds of conversion with her, I realised that there was an actual person under the clothing and any prejudices I had rapidly vanished. So, I don’t think the burka should be banned, after all, it’s only an item of clothing and if a woman really wants to wear it, men have no right to object.

To head off some of those who are now flexing their typing fingers in response, I am the first person to acknowledge that their are Muslim men who want all women to cover up and if they had the power, would ban the mini skirt. I too was a little incensed when I read about gangs of Muslim men patrolling the streets of East London, calling themselves a Sharia patrol and ordering women to cover up. Furthermore, I have never agreed that a woman is asking for sex just because she chooses to wear such and item of clothing. She too has a right to wear what she wants and that even includes a woman who wears a mini skirt whom some men think she doesn’t have ‘the legs to wear one.’ That shouldn’t matter.

Maybe the Mormons are on to something here. Many of them claim that a woman can be beautiful without having to either hide it or flaunt it. A point to ponder here.

I have no problem with a woman wearing this

Or this

I think that the French shot themselves in the foot recently when officials at a beach banned a woman because she was wearing a burkini. When she was kicked off the beach, along with her children, I seriously doubt that she went home and changed into a bikini or even a one piece swimming costume and returned. No, she will probably never go to the beach again and that’s not fair for her. So France, I think you need to have a rethink on that one. While I don’t ever recall seeing a burkini, I would have no problem if I did see one.

Maybe because I was brought up seeing them that I’m used to it but while a woman should have the right to wear the burkini, she also has the right to wear a bikini. Yes, the more religious will claim that she is showing herself like a piece of meat but I don’t see it that way. I just see a woman wearing the necessary clothing to have a swim.

Both are fine on this beach, they’re fine with me

Now, I know that I have been mainly talking about women with religious views to clothing here but that has been the area wear my tolerance has been tested. For too many years, men of all persuations have been trying too hard to dictate to women what they should wear. I think that people have the right to wear what they like and that even includes men who like to wear dresses. It doesn’t effect my life so who the hell am I to judge. The same goes for body piercings, hair cuts or anything else that person fancies. I will endeavour to be tolerant of it because I have felt what it is like to suffer intolerance because of it.

To buy He Was Weird, go to: https://www.amazon.co.uk/He-Was-Weird-Michael-Lefevre/dp/1909740942/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1473873538&sr=1-1&keywords=he+was+weird

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Intolerance is Intolerance!

Tags

anxiety, books, bullying, He Was Weird, intolerance, labels, Marine Corps, Self Esteem, stereotypes

Not too long ago and not in a galaxy far away, I responded on some other blog about the 1980s. On this blog, I commented about my memories of this decade. I wrote something along the lines of:

“I remember the 1980s, everyone having to work three jobs because they all paid minimum wage,  people wanting to censor music and all the intolerance I suffered for the heinous crime of having long hair.”

I wish I could have gotten my hair like this but it was long enough.

The blog in question was for the conservative type Americans and the particular post was against someone who wrote a book criticising the Reagan administration, so naturally, I got a few responses. The most memorable one was from a woman who wrote:

“Criticising hair styles is really intolerance. Poor victim, maybe you can get some money from the government for it.”

A man commented that if my only problem was people dissing me over my hair, then the 80s couldn’t have been that bad. Both of these missed the point. Let me begin by giving the definition of intolerance. It is: unwillingness to accept views, beliefs, or behaviour that differ from one’s own. In short, a great mass of people, especially those who attended my community college, were unwilling to accept me on account of the length of my hair. Therefore, they were intolerant! Plus, there was further intolerance because those same persons did not seem to accept my reasons for growing my hair long in the first place. For those who don’t already know, the reason why I grew my hair long was because I had spent four years in the US Marines. That meant I spent four years forced to wear very short hair while in the service of my country. People were either deaf by choice or simply just didn’t want to hear my reasons. That to me is the ultimate intolerance. When someone is willing to give reasons behind a certain behaviour and people don’t care to hear that someone.

That wasn’t the first intolerance I suffered and yes, I do go over this a bit in “He Was Weird.” In sixth grade, I wore a baseball jacket. (See picture below). I admit, I didn’t get a whole lot of grief over it but I was told by one classmate that the reason why nobody liked me was down to the fact that I wore babyish things. Again, we have more intolerance. After all, an eleven year old boy wearing a baseball jacket is a very good reason not to like him, NOT! Not accepting someone because of their clothes also follows the definition of intolerance.

My baseball jacket looked a little like this

Intolerance is bullying, plain and simple. Throughout the ages, people unwilling to accept others for their beliefs, actions and even clothing or hairstyles has resulted in many of the human catastrophes which have taken place throughout mankind’s history. It has taken intolerance towards me for something some might call trivial, to me it wasn’t, to make me more tolerant of others, especially in the field of hair and clothing.

To buy He Was Weird, go to: https://www.amazon.co.uk/He-Was-Weird-Michael-Lefevre/dp/1909740942/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1473101724&sr=1-1&keywords=he+was+weird

 

 

 

 

 

Thank You, Consequences, Anxiety and Stereotypes

Tags

Americans, anxiety, Asperger's Syndrome, Autism, films, Great Britain, obsessions, social settings, stereotypes, US history

First of all, I would like to express my deepest thanks for those who commented on my last post, “Sh*t for Brains Strikes Again.” People were very supportive of me and all comments are deeply appreciated. Down deep, I know that in reality, I am not stupid or retarded or have sh*t for brains. Furthermore, I know that I blew a silly mistake way out of proportion. At the time, I justified it by saying that it was the straw that broke the camel’s back because I have made too many silly mistakes like this in the past. This time, it just got to me too much but I have found like so many things from my life, putting it down on here helps me to get it into perspective and get it off my chest.

Saying all that, I still feel that I am suffering the consequences from my little silly mistake from last week. What I feared would happen actually did. Because I lost my notepad at the festival, I had no notes to refer to when I posted about the festival on my 80smetalman blog. Therefore, a post that might have taken half an hour to write took over an hour and a half to two hours to do so. I had moments just sitting at the computer going “Uh uh” in an attempt to recall moments from the festival. Even when I did, there were anxieties as to whether or not I got my facts totally right. When I write, I pride myself in getting my facts right, something Hollywood doesn’t seem to care about and that leads me to my next point.

As an American living in the United Kingdom, I have heard much criticism of Americans by British people over the historical inaccuracy of many Hollywood films. First, let me say, actually scream, that Hollywood is NOT America! Most Americans know that movies based on history are over romanticized and largely inaccurate historically. Hollywood’s attitude is why let a little thing like historical truth get in the way of a good story? Although it doesn’t help that the British media finds one ignorant redneck in the Backwater County, USA who believes Hollywood is historically right and then projects the false belief that all 300 million Americans believe the same. No they don’t!

Family Guy

However, this stereotype has effected me in my writing, especially in the case of my first book, “Rock and Roll Children.” When I wrote that book, I was so obsessed with historical accuracy, I feel that the story has suffered from it somewhat. I worry that if I get something historical wrong, that people in Britain will point an accusing finger at me and say I’m a typical American. No, I wouldn’t be a typical American, I would be in the same tree as Hollywood and I don’t want that either. Bringing it back to the festival, it all has me worried that I’m going to do the same there. I know it sounds daft but it’s real to me.

That was all the reason why I railed on myself in that post last week. That and the fact that in ancient times, mistakes like that resulted in being called names which I believed I deserved at the time. Now, I know better and I try to put it behind me. Writing about it here is a great help and I appreciate you for taking the time to read it.

To buy He Was Weird go to: https://www.amazon.co.uk/He-Was-Weird-Michael-Lefevre/dp/1909740942/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1471888978&sr=1-1&keywords=he+was+weird

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Am I So Weird? Would You Accept My Answer?

Tags

Asperger's Syndrome, Autism, books, bullying, communication, D.A.M.P., He Was Weird, intolerance, schools, Self Esteem, stereotypes, teachers, teasing

Throughout my childhood, I used to get asked the first question all the time. Often, the inquisitor’s motive for asking was so (s)he could tease and patronize or even bully. Sometimes, I tried to give some waffled explanation but often times I would say “I don’t know” because in all honesty, I didn’t. On the rare occasion, I would make a stand and say something like, “Because I take after you.” This met with mixed results, not all of them favourable.

Four decades or so on, after much self searching and outside research, I believe I can answer that question. I am utterly convinced that I have DAMP, (Deficiencies in Attention, Motor Skills and Perception) which is also linked to Asperger’s Syndrome. My personal symptoms are the appearance that I talk to myself and go further by sometimes acting out what I’m thinking. These are the two major ones that have plagued me for so many years and gave many people the belief that I was weird or mentally retarded. I got called that a lot as a child. A less severe but relevant symptom is the fact that I don’t always see things the way a so called ‘normal’ person would. This has also contributed to my branding and was worse with the more intolerant people of the world as well as some teachers. Then there was the one that people didn’t see. What they saw is me appearing not to ‘get it’ and draw the conclusion I was some sort of thicko. What they didn’t realize was that I was processing all the available factors in the problem, including ones that might not be relevant and trying to make sense of it all. Often, that would result in overload and sometimes melt down but to many, that was sufficient evidence that I was weird or other things. In reality, it was just my DAMP and Aspergers Syndrome that was the force behind it all.

Now that I have answered the first question, it is time for me to ask the second one. Do you accept my explanation? I honestly believe that if I were to return to the town and meet the people who influenced my writing of “He Was Weird,” they wouldn’t be so accepting of my explanation. They would accuse me of making up my condition because after all, I was such a liar back then, why should anything change? Sorry, I can’t show the sarcasm intended in that last part of the last sentence. Many of them would simply say that I’m just trying to make up that condition in order to elicit sympathy. No, I don’t want people feeling sorry for me. Whatever the reason, most of those involved wouldn’t accept my explanations for being “so weird” back then, especially if it contradicts their thin justifications for the bullying they put on me then. So, I’m not going to worry about what those narrow minded persons think. However, as for you reading this, I hope you will take the evidence on board and make up your own mind and hopefully will accept my explanation.

To buy He Was Weird, go to: https://www.amazon.co.uk/He-Was-Weird-Michael-Lefevre/dp/1909740942/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1469560500&sr=1-1&keywords=he+was+weird

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An Insult to All Sufferers of Aspergers Syndrome

Tags

Americans, Asperger's Syndrome, Autism, books, bullying, He Was Weird, stereotypes, The Sun

Recently I responded to a piece I read about bullying. Although it’s not the point of this post, the article said that adults shouldn’t be so quick to intervene in all instances of child bullying. Perhaps the writer has a point here but my response was in defense of those who aren’t able to stand up for themselves. When challenged on this point, I brought up people who suffer from Aspergers Syndrome and that many people with the condition aren’t lack the skills to properly stand up for themselves. One person responded that Aspergers is no longer considered a medical condition and it is something used by maladjusted people whose parents are of the same ilk to get away with unsocial behaviour. I countered that he should meet the people I work with but still, what this person said about those who have Aspergers Syndrome is not only pig ignorant but an insult to those who genuinely have the condition.

Oddly enough, I do touch on this in my book “He Was Weird.” When Mark is officially diagnosed with the condition, not only does it bring more bullying onto him, some of his peers bring up doubts about him really having anything wrong. One classmate states that his father says that Mark’s family is playing on his condition to get a ton of money off the government and that they are living off the taxes of working people like a welfare cheat. Of course, because Mark doesn’t know if it is true, the bullies assume it must be.

It seems to be a widespread problem, especially in America although The Sun newspaper in the UK tries to make a big thing of it there, that not only those with Aspergers Syndrome but most people with any sort of special needs are lying about their condition. If not lying, at the very least exaggerating their condition so they don’t have to work and simply trying to live off welfare. Americans are particularly mistrustful of anyone who qualifies for and accepts financial help from the government. The media doesn’t help here either. Journalists may uncover a person who may be trying to cheat the government with a false condition but then they will sensationalize it to make it out that many more people are taking the piss while ignoring those who genuinely suffer from such conditions. The result is that mistrust develops by people who are considered able bodied or minded of those who aren’t.

Today, I saw a television ad that put forth the following statistics. Nine out of ten people with special needs will never be offered a job and more importantly more than half those with special needs will have experienced bullying. I do wish that the bullying statistic was more exact because I think the number is much higher than suggested in the ad. However, what they do convey is that persons with special needs aren’t trying to cheat the government or make excuses for themselves.

Speaking particularly of people who have Aspergers, I can say that the vast majority of those who have the condition are genuine.  As far as it being a medical condition, a look on the National Autism website will explain it all. What people with Aspergers Syndrome need is support and understanding. What they don’t need is ignorant people making light or denying the existence of a condition that is genuinely real for them.

To buy He Was Weird, go to: https://www.amazon.co.uk/He-Was-Weird-Michael-Lefevre/dp/1909740942/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1468439371&sr=1-1&keywords=he+was+weird

 

 

Independence Day and Workplace Bullying

Tags

Americans, anxiety, Asperger's Syndrome, Autism, bullying, D.A.M.P., Great Britain, race relations, stereotypes, teasing, work place, World Cup

Today is July 4 and for Americans like me, it is a big day, even though I now live in Great Britain. I don’t have the day off from work but that doesn’t stop me from celebrating. In the past, I have had some Independence Day barbecues, which many a British person has completely enjoyed. So, I have no problem celebrating my birth country’s biggest holiday in the country whom it gained its independence from and no one in the UK has a problem with me doing so. But it wasn’t always so.

During my first few years in the UK, I worked in a factory in East London. I started as a cleaner and worked my way up to a compounder where I was making industrial fragrances. When I was in the ‘lower’ jobs, I seemed to get on with the majority of my working companions. However, that changed when I actually began the job that was equal to them. Now I admit that starting out, I made a lot of mistakes and while I am not making excuses here, many of those were fueled by anxieties from previous employment where getting the job done was above all else. It didn’t help that as always with my Asperger’s, I was branded weird, nothing new there.

While my direct supervisor would say later that all the compounders had issue with me, there was one guy who was the main spark behind it all. This particular gentleman typified all stereotypes about English hooligans from the film “Green Street.” He used to fill small vials of chemicals from the factory and take them to football matches to throw at rival supporters. One time, right before the 1990 World Cup, a Dutch lorry driver came into the dressing room to use the toilet, this person informed him, “Hey Dutchman, see you at the World Cup.” Anyway, because of my perceived mistakes and the fact that there was only one other foreigner working there, he took issue with me and got his friends to join him. It started small, he and his mates would call out “wimp” when I was a long way down the corridor. Later, they got a little bolder and say it very lowly when I was there. One time, when I confronted them on it, they did the denial thing trying to make out that I was hearing things or making it up. To me, that is the most cowardly form of bullying.

Things digressed after that to the point where I had to involve my manager. There was a meeting with supervisors over it where the one informed them of all of my so called mistakes so not much was done about it. Then the climax happened. A few years earlier, I had been off sick on July 4 and came back to some innocent teasing. During the time mentioned, I happened to be genuinely off sick on that day again but this time it was worse. I returned to having “July 4, we know” on my locker and on a wall in the one office, there was written, “Independence Day Sickness, we know you’re lying.” When I had to talk about my sickness over that time, with my manager, I got the impression that he was thinking the same thing, so I didn’t say anything. However, some well meaning English friends were very quick to point out that if I had been of African or Asian origin, the race relations people would be in there collecting heads on platters, so I called the Commission for Racial Equality. Unfortunately, the person I spoke to very patronizingly told me that white Americans don’t come under the Racial Equality Act. She even went on to make excuses for those who were hassling me over it. So, I felt like there wasn’t anything I could do.

Fortunately, the hooligan would leave the company two months later and his mates would leave me alone after that. Things would be bearable again and I would leave the company a year later. Still, the act of being called a liar because I was sick on Independence Day tugs at the corner of my mind, especially the way the Racial Equality Commission handled it. However, there are many more people in Britain who accept that I celebrate the holiday and know that I wouldn’t lie about going sick on July 4 more than counteracts that brief experience.

To buy He Was Weird, go to: https://www.amazon.co.uk/He-Was-Weird-Michael-Lefevre/dp/1909740942/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1467662529&sr=1-1&keywords=he+was+weird

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Need to Justify Everything

Tags

anxiety, Asperger's Syndrome, Autism, books, He Was Weird, social settings, stereotypes

This has been something I always find myself doing. Anything I do or say, I need to justify it for some reason or another. But why do I feel the need to justify myself? That is the big question. It has only been recently that I have realised that I really don’t need to justify everything.

So why? The answer comes from my early years when I suffered social exclusion, teasing, ridicule and like in “He Was Weird,” outright bullying and it resulted in me believing that whatever I said or did, it was going to be wrong. Mainly because, someone else said that it was wrong. Therefore, out of fear of some reprisal, real or imagined, I would offer some sort of explanation to deflect the verbal and sometimes physical onslaught I perceived to be coming my way. What aggravated the situation more was as a child and teen, others coming up and asking questions about me or my life and why I did something. Some of these curiosities were genuine, however, there were others who simply wanted ammunition to use against me or they wanted to tease or patronize.

In “He Was Weird,” this sort of situation happens in the very first pages. On the first day of his new school, at his first at bat at kickball, Mark clears away some stones that are in his way before the ball is rolled to him. Then, like he did at his old school because he played for an American Football team called the Tigers, he let out a roar when he kicked the ball. Nothing was said at the time but at lunch, there were a couple of kids wanting to know why he did those things. Due to his autism, Mark was perfectly honest. Unfortunately, it is on account of his condition, he explains it in a way that children could use it against him. Instead of saying that the stones are in the way, he states that he was making himself a runway. To his future tormentors, this was all the ammunition they needed.

Like Mark, I often thought that I was always wrong or misunderstood and therefore, I had to explain everything or justify myself. At times, this may be warranted but often times it’s not. Now, I realise that I don’t have to justify things in my personal life or I do something that someone doesn’t understand because they choose to be narrow minded. However, if you ask and are genuinely interested and I feel that you should know, I’ll tell you.

To buy He Was Weird, go to: https://www.amazon.co.uk/He-Was-Weird-Michael-Lefevre/dp/1909740942/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1467053292&sr=1-1&keywords=he+was+weird

 

Blaming The Victim

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Asperger's Syndrome, Big Bully, books, bullying, He Was Weird, Rick Moranis, schools, Self Esteem, stereotypes, teachers, teasing, Tom Arnold, victimization

Probably the biggest reason why bullying went unchecked for several centuries was the fact that when bullying occurred, most people were inclined to blame the victim for it. Out would come the age old quips: “You should stand up for yourself more,” “You shouldn’t be so annoying,” “It’s because you’re so weird,” etc. I could probably gone on for hours here but that would wear out my typing fingers and I want to get to the point. That is that bullies were largely given free reign to carry out their atrocities because everyone would say that it was the victim’s fault.

Film: Big Bully

My thoughts on victim blaming remind me of the film, “Big Bully,” with Tom Arnold and Rick Moranis. In the film, the boy, who would eventually become Tom Arnold’s character horrendously bullies the boy who would become Rick Moranis’s. While they go separate ways as kids, they meet as adults and when Tom Arnold discovers the identity of his former victim, renews his bullying. Eventually, they reconcile but the reason Tom Arnold gives for his constant bullying was that his victim never did anything to stop it. So, it’s the victim’s fault once again.

Throughout my early life as a bullying victim, I was often blamed for being a victim. Whether it was teachers, other kids or sometimes my own family, I was blamed because I didn’t stand up for myself. What some people don’t realize was that sometimes I did but that only made it worse. FFI read my post, “You’re an Asshole for Standing Up For Yourself.” When I stood up for myself, I was made out to be the troublemaker and sometimes even the bully because the bully usually had enough of a following to twist things around to make it look like I had started it all. This resulted in me believing that no matter what I did, it was going to be wrong and made me even more reluctant to stand up for myself.

The last paragraph reminded me of a guy who I was in the marines with. He was constantly the target of teasing and bullying and he would often stand up for himself. The result would often be him getting his ass kicked. Now, in some cases, while he was noble in standing up for himself, the way he did so may not have been the best choice, especially his favourite comeback being, “F*ck you, mother f*cker.” There were worse things than that though. One time, when he was on the receiving end, one of his tormentors informed him that the CO said that he was the biggest troublemaker in the company. In other words, he was considered the troublemaker when he was actually the victim.

I tried to convey this point when I wrote “He Was Weird.” Many people blame Mark for the bullying he receives because he doesn’t always stand up for himself or when he does, is made out to be the troublemaker. Also, many people think he deserves the bullying he suffers because of the fact that he is perceived to be so weird. It goes even further after Mark finally carries out his revenge. The survivors of his onslaught all agree that he received so much bullying because of all his weird behaviour. In the book, we see this in its full glory when Mark is indecently assaulted by Smiley.

Blaming the victim for being bullied is wrong. Yes, maybe the victim may have been annoying but in most of those cases, it is the case of the bully having a low tolerance point and using any excuse to lash out on the victim. Furthermore, if the bully can’t stand up for him/herself, that doesn’t give bullies carte blanche to continue their aggression on the victim. Bullying because one can is the shittiest excuse there is. Now that bullying is finally being take seriously and steps are being taken against it, the notion of it somehow it being the victim’s fault needs to be eradicated. Once this wall is blown apart, it will clear a major road in getting rid of bullying all together.

To buy He Was Weird, go to: https://www.amazon.co.uk/He-Was-Weird-Michael-Lefevre/dp/1909740942/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1462988442&sr=1-1&keywords=he+was+weird