Two months ago, I wrote a post titled: “Maybe I Should Just Quit.” The post was in regards to some problems I encountered when organizing my latest softball tournament, I organize two a year, and as a result, I was thinking of the possibility of stepping down from organizing the tournaments. In the end, I said I wasn’t going to step down for many reasons and decided to keep on organizing.
Since I wrote that post, a new development has entered into the equation. Shortly after, I was approached by someone who was representing the school where the tournaments are held expressing that the school was interested in taking over organizing the tournaments. They see it as a good way of raising funds for the school’s budding softball programme. I definitely see their point here. After two months of giving the issue serious thought, I have decided to step down and allow the school to take over organizing the softball tournaments.
While I feel relieved that the burden has been lifted from my shoulders, there is lots of anxiety running through my brain as well. Part of me still thinks I’m just using the offer from the school as an excuse to give up organizing the tournaments. At least, I worry that others will see it that way. Furthermore, since I’ve made the announcement to the British softball world, I have had several “likes” from people on Facebook on my declaration. My worry was that these people are clicking “like” because they are glad that I’m no longer organizing the tournaments and this was their way of diplomatically saying “Good riddance” to me. This worry comes about because I know that I have made mistakes during the sixteen years I’ve organized the tournament. On the other hand, I have had many positive comments thanking me for my efforts over the years. However, this does not fully stop me from worrying about the negative.
It is true that people tend to focus more on the negative than the positive in most given situations. This goes even more for people with Asperger’s Syndrome and related conditions. Even though there have been a lot of positive vibes sent my way, I can’t help thinking about the negative. Simply telling an Aspie to focus on the positive doesn’t solve the problem, especially with my past where I have been made to feel inferior to everyone all throughout my early life. These things do stick in the mind and even all these years later, it’s very difficult to shake off. Another worry, I’m not writing this to fish for compliments but am now worried people might think that.
This is not only mine but but typical of the mental minefields that people who have Asperger’s Syndrome have to walk through. The worry that something they have done might not be right in someone else’s eyes in spite of all their efforts plays heavily on an Aspie’s mind. It sure does mine. Hopefully, this worry will go away when I log back onto Facebook and see more positive comments.
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