Asperger’s And Sexism

Tags

Asperger's Syndrome, Autism, Self Esteem, sexism, social settings

Going back to my “More Like Them Than I Think” series, you, the reader, were introduced to a gentleman I work with called Melvin. That journey made me realise that although Melvin is formally diagnosed with having Asperger’s Syndrome, he and I are alike in many ways. What I didn’t mention that he is very sexist but in an old fashioned way. He has a real problem with women telling him what to do and he especially hates our female supervisor. Furthermore, he recognises the assistant director as the actual head of the company because, yes you guessed it, he’s male and the managing director is female. However, there is a somewhat endearing side to Melvin’s sexist attitudes. I mentioned that his sexism is old fashioned and that’s because he is in love with the by gone eras of the 1920s and 30s. He often said that men should have respect for women like they did back then. I don’t know if he’s historically right here but I admire his values. Also he still hasn’t forgiven another service user for touching a female support worker’s breast. Something which he was horrified by when he saw it. So, while Melvin’s attitudes towards women may be very backdated, I can see the positives and negatives in it.

Comparing myself to Melvin, I am sure that my attitudes are a bit more modern in regards to women. I have no problems with working for women, especially for the past twenty years or more I have been working in largely female dominated fields: the caring profession and primary teaching. Those in authority over are always judged on how they treat me as opposed to their gender and I can say I have worked for great people and total jerks from both. Saying that, I know that I am far from perfect in my attitudes towards women, especially when I was growing up. As a teenager in the 1970s, I listened to the fundamentalist Christian belief that feminism was wrong and the proposed Equal Rights Amendment was the work of Satan and all feminists are doomed to hell fire. Although I pushed those attitudes behind me very quickly, I know I’m not perfect. I struggled with female characters in both of my books thus far. There was always the temptation to describe a woman as “plump in the right places” and if had not been for my sister reading one chapter in “He Was Weird,” I could have unintentionally insulted many female readers. I know for a fact, I go into a bit more detail when describing a female character than what I do a male although in my defense; in “He Was Weird,” it was only right that I made the Lisa character a person of physical beauty as well. Therefore, I admit that I am not perfect.

While I can admit my faults in this field, I also know that I too have been the victim of sexism. Sexism is a two way street and women can be just as sexist towards men as the other way around. The most glaring case was back in the 80s after I came out of the marines and committed that terrible anti-social act of growing my hair too long. When she ended things with me, the sister of my former marine buddy stated that my long hair and earring wasn’t her idea of a man. Now imagine if I said that short hair and no earrings wasn’t my idea of a woman. I would be called all the sexist pigs going and rightly so. Needless to say it was the length of my hair that gave people, especially ladies, problems with me back then. Yes, I know my Native American moccasin boots didn’t help much either. In fact, when I did cut my hair, I still kept the earring and the boots on and one day when walking past a group of girls at college, I heard one of them say, “At least he cut his hair.”

It was this reverse sexism that really stirred my Asperger’s Syndrome. The main thought in my mind was that ladies and men knew I had been in the marines and that my long hair was in reaction to having to wear a crew cut during my four year service to the country. It was women who seemed to be more rejecting of this, which, I admit, burst a bubble on my preconceived notion that women would be more accepting of it. Was that sexist of me? Maybe but it really played hell with my mind.

I guess what I learned from this was that the best way for me to deal with sexism was to try not to have any stereotypical views of women, even if they were deemed positive. Because I know that if I have any conceived notions of what women or people in general should be like, then my mind will find it difficult to process and cause problems for me.

Next post: Interracial Bullying

To buy He Was Weird, go to: http://www.amazon.co.uk/He-Was-Weird-Michael-Lefevre/dp/1909740942/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1401308683&sr=1-1&keywords=he+was+weird

 

 

 

 

 

 

Asperger’s and the Opposite Sex: Part 2

Tags

Asperger's Syndrome, Autism, intolerance, relationships, Self Esteem, social settings

Picking up from where I left off last week, I have decided not just to tell my life’s story as far as my relations with the female gender are concerned. I thought it was important to do so on the last post as those experiences shaped who I am today. Furthermore, talking about these experiences has given rise to a whole range of ideas for future posts and here was me panicking that I would run out of topics.

From the time of that experience when I was in the service and for the next six years, that experience shaped my view on women. I preferred picking up women in bars and clubs as opposed to asking a girl out at college and the possibility of a decent relationship. This was in spite of the fact that I wasn’t very good at the former. Whenever I thought about relaxing my attitudes and giving a relationship a chance, something would come and reaffirm my mistrust of women. One big episode was when I graciously volunteered to take my sister’s friend to their senior prom because my sister said the girl was so desperate, she might have to call rent a man. It turned out that the girl in question was engaged and that the reason she was desperate for a prom date was because her intended didn’t dance. Yeah, I know. That alone wouldn’t have been so bad except that at the prom, she acted like it was my prom and I should have been glad she was there with me when in fact, it was the other way around. The next day, I found myself saying aloud, “No wonder I don’t trust women.”

Eventually, I did briefly find someone and we were together for about three months. Unfortunately, she had issues of her own, the main one was drinking too much. My demons only added to this and when it ended, I came to the conclusion that being with the wrong person wasn’t better than being with no person at all. Then a few months later, I did meet someone who could have been a potential keeper. The problem was that I had already applied to and would be accepted by the University of London so the last thing I wanted was someone to wait for me for a year. I knew where that lead. So, I kept her at a distance and I would later find out that she even called on me when I was due to return from London but never did. I feel I hurt that poor lady and that still bugs me a little.

There was another aspect about me that gave me conflict with the fairer sex. See, this was the intolerant times of 80s Regan America and I committed some horrible offenses in the eyes of many Americans back then, especially women. I had long hair and wore Native American moccasin boots and even had my ear pierced. Therefore, my appearance put many ladies off and my attempted justifications did no good. A sister of a former marine buddy summed it up when she stated that because her brother didn’t grow his hair after leaving the marines, there was no reason why I should have.

Happy changes would come when I arrived in the UK. I met someone who was willing to see through my appearance and saw what a nice guy I was. When that marriage ended thirteen years later, I was a different person in many respects. What caused me to gain confidence around women was working in professions that are considered female dominant. I should have learned that not all women are the same but my Asperger’s mind and past skewed that thought. The result was me thinking that all British women were great and American women were foul. In my younger hot head days, I once remarked that I would never entertain an American woman ever again. I probably won’t for many reasons like my marriage but I know that my comments were those of an angry young man who saw things in the wrong light.

Let me say, that in spite of coming across as a victim here, I admit I made a lot of mistakes and I do hold myself accountable for them. Between my two marriages, I did hurt two women. In the first case, the fact that my counselor would later say that I should have dumped the girl before then, it doesn’t justify what I did. The second case was my own Asperger’s bungling in hoping things would work itself out. They didn’t and I am not going to try to justify it either. If I was somebody else, looking at me back then, I still would think that I was an asshole. So judge me as you wish, I am not that shy boy I was in my adolescence and early adult life nor do I let my Asperger’s dominate my life in this field. I have somebody who is patient with me warts and all and that is all anyone could ask for.

Next post: Asperger’s And Sexism

To buy He Was Weird, go to: http://www.amazon.co.uk/He-Was-Weird-Michael-Lefevre/dp/1909740942/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1400600221&sr=1-1&keywords=he+was+weird

My Aspergers and the Opposite Sex

Tags

Asperger's Syndrome, Autism, Gender, relationships, religion, Self Esteem, shyness, social settings

One portion of “He Was Weird” that gets completely over romanticised in comparison to my own life experiences is the one chapter where everything goes right for Mark. It is true, I went away to a summer camp for a week where I was the star of that week but I didn’t have the big romance that occurs in the story. There was a girl that I liked and she was my partner for the chicken fights in the swimming pool and there was a planned liaison after lights out that never happened but nothing else like the story. In fact, most of the experiences from that chapter came during the final summer I worked at the camp. It was at this point when I experienced my first love and that was where a major Asperger’s moment came up for me.

At seventeen, I was fully immersed in the teachings of the Gospel. I remember a minister stating that short term romances and one night stands were against God on the grounds it wasn’t love but lust. Therefore, when the summer ended, in her mind and the minds of many others, the relationship did too. Unfortunately, because I took what that minister had said quite literally, I did this with many of those who were learned with religion back then, I couldn’t accept that the relationship was over and tried to carry things on with somebody who lived 85 miles from me. While I wrote dutifully to her, she, on the other hand was slow in reply. I should have seen this as a sign but instead, I saw it as Satan trying to mess things up for me. To make a long story short, I spent most of my senior year feeling confused and depressed on account of it. The advice I was given was rejected because it contradicted what that pastor had said. Even when I joined the marines, I carried on the relationship in my own mind. It was only after I began to loosen up on the tight grip on religious teachings that I finally realised that the relationship wasn’t what I had made it out to be.

That might have been my first major experience in the world of women but there were a few minor ones that my Asperger’s mind got in the way of. It seemed that there was always some mental block or misplaced thought in my head when it came to this area. I once got friendly with a girl on a church retreat when asked if I was going to ask her out, all I could think of was the fact that I didn’t have much money to do so. Furthermore, I had a few other wrongly pre-conceived ideas on dating and relationships that made me reluctant to get to know a girl. However, the truth really is that my Asperger’s made me incredibly shy, not just around girls but in general. I could go into volumes about this but I will save it for a future post.

In spite of all my adolescent shyness and fumblings caused by the phantoms in my mind, there was a more major occurrence that totally affected my view on the fairer sex for a long time. When I was in the marines, I got engaged. The girl in question was making all sorts of wonderful plans for us when we were going to be married while at the same time, when I was off serving my country, she was not only cheating on me but was practically flaunting it in front of many of my friends, secure in the knowledge that none of them would say anything out of fear of how I would respond. It was only when my sister witnessed something not right about her she ended things in order to save face. It was only then that I found out about all the cheating and boy did I feel totally humiliated. People I didn’t even think knew the girl would come and tell me how much she had slept around on me. On top of that, one of her friends began spreading lies about me and even threatened to have my ass kicked if she had found any bruises on my ex. To make another long story short, the entire episode left me with a complete lack of trust on women.

Taking on board some rather twisted logic from a former marine buddy, I found some consolation in literally sleeping my way around the world for the remainder of my time in the service. I have to admit, that the vast majority of those encounters were merely business transactions and thinking back, it’s not something I’m very proud of these days. But what had happened to me still lingered in my mind. That with the fact that joining the marines didn’t take away my shyness like I had hoped, (that’s another point for a future post) I found myself experiencing the same problems I had had in my youth. While, I could talk to ladies, provided they broke the ice, I could never bring myself to ask them out. This was compounded by the fact that the two or three I managed to ask out were all in relationships. That left me feeling not a very happy person and as a result I mentally beat myself up for being the way I was and branded myself a hopeless loser.

I know that in some respects, I am coming across as a victim type here, although that’s a common trait with people with Asperger’s and though I intend to go on, I don’t like to write to much in one post as I don’t want the reader to have to read volumes in one go. There is a happy ending to my story but I am going to save that for the next time around.

Next post: Part II

To buy He Was Weird, go to: http://www.amazon.co.uk/He-Was-Weird-Michael-Lefevre/dp/1909740942/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1400065688&sr=1-1&keywords=he+was+weird

 

 

 

Intergender Bullying

Tags

Asperger's Syndrome, Autism, bullying, Gender, He Was Weird, social settings

Originally, I put this down when I was thinking up possible topics for Peaceful Rampage and I have to admit, that until now, I hadn’t put much thought into it. Like most of the world, I know that bullying between the sexes has been going on since the beginning of time and neither gender has the monopoly on it. It’s just the way the bullying is implemented that is usually different. My worry here is that going over the normal ground will just be a case of preaching to the choir and that is something I don’t want to do here. Therefore, since I did put it down on my list of topics, my Asperger’s induced sense of that I have to talk about it is why I am posting about it. I have come to the conclusion that writing about it will help me to understand it more.

Maybe the best way to understand inter-gender bullying more is to start by highlighting the instances where it occurs in “He Was Weird.” After all, many of Mark’s experiences in the book were taken from my own. One doesn’t have to read very far into the book to get the first occurrence of this. While walking home from his second day at his new school, he is accosted by two girls who walk behind him, pushing him from behind and trying to knock his books out of his hand. Having been told never to hit girls, he just takes it. He has further such confrontations with one of those girls and it one of those instances, when he tries to seek redress, he is the one who ends up in trouble. He has problems with other girls throughout the story as well although most of them aren’t the physical type of bullying. Most of it is teasing and there are a couple of instances where a girl in the company of a good number of boys, verbally lays into him.

Since many of Mark’s experiences in the story are based on my own, it has me thinking as to why it happened to me. The answer here is simple, no gender is better than the other is picking out potential victims and since throughout most of my life, I must have had a big neon sign that read “VICTIM” above my head, girls picked up on it too. It has appeared in my adult life as well, especially when I was a younger adult.

So, what have I learned from today. Well, it has reaffirmed that because of my sometimes lack of social skills, I came across as a target to both genders and because of those skills combining with what some would say an old fashioned upbringing, I didn’t know how to deal with the situation properly. Fortunately, through experience and often painful trial and error, I am better equipped to deal with these things. Still, it would be a whole lot better if people just didn’t bully at all.

Next post: My Asperger’s and the Opposite Sex

To buy He Was Weird, go to: http://www.amazon.co.uk/He-Was-Weird-Michael-Lefevre/dp/1909740942/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1399568922&sr=1-1&keywords=he+was+weird

More Knucklehead Behaviour

Tags

banning books, bullying, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, Harry Potter, He Was Weird, Michael D LeFevre, police, schools

First of all, I am happy to report that the bullying victim who was convicted of illegally wire tapping his bullies has had the conviction overturned on appeal in a higher court. Thank God that common sense prevailed here. The only thing that poor fifteen year old boy was ever guilty of was being a victim of bullying and trying to do something about it when those who should have dealt with the problem failed to do so. Now, this seems very American of me but I think that the boy’s mother should sue the pants off the school and the police. I know that I often make comments and jokes about America being the land of the law suit (it’s getting bad in the UK too) but this time there is good reason.

I am relieved that I didn’t get any comments from people about my posting about knucklehead behaviour only happening in the UK. It doesn’t, there is plenty of such behaviour in the USA, most of it perpetrated by those 10% of Americans who think with their bibles instead of their brains. A shining example of this started just over a decade and a half ago when a series of books came out that children enjoyed so much, they were willing to put down their video game consoles and take up reading again. However, many people in the religious community objected to these books because it was about magic, wizardry and witchcraft. Preachers spouted that these books would get children into the occult and lead to dangerous practices. That is why that even today, “Harry Potter” remains the most banned book in America.

Having read most of the books and seen all of the films, I see nothing that would make anyone start sacrificing goats to the dark lord. All three of my children have read the books when they would be considered to be of an impressionable age and they show no such tendencies. In fact, their enjoyment of the Harry Potter books only spurred them on to read more things. How can that be of harm? That is why, as a teacher, I think more Harry Potter should be used in schools if it can have that much of an effect on getting children reading.

This takes me back to my final thoughts on religion and the main problem I have with all religions. This need for religions to force their beliefs on others under the guise of looking out for our best interests. I’m sorry, I know what my best interests are and can make my own choices even if you don’t agree with them. It’s been said for many years and I will toot this horn until I’m out of breath but if a book, film or musical piece offends you, then don’t read it, watch it or listen to it. The same goes if you don’t want your kids involved with it but don’t ban something because you don’t like it. Most of us are capable of making an informed choice.

Finally, I was quite amused to see that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints didn’t oppose Harry Potter. Yes, some on the right fringe did but as a whole, the church didn’t. Of course, religious groups could ban both of my books. After all, my first book “Rock and Roll Children,” glorifies heavy metal music and demonises the Jesus freaks who used to come to concerts and tell us we were all going to hell. In “He Was Weird,” the main character, who shoots up the school committing much carnage, was a Born Again Christian. It is his belief that God had let him down that gives him the courage to go through with it. So ban my books, maybe I’ll sell more that way.

Next post: Inter-gender Bullying

To buy He Was Weird, go to: http://www.amazon.co.uk/He-Was-Weird-Michael-Lefevre/dp/1909740942/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1398982717&sr=1-1&keywords=he+was+weird