This may be the hardest post I ever write. While some may already be congratulating me for being brave in coming forward to admit I am self-harming, I am wary that it may be brushed aside as many will not consider it serious. In some people’s definition of the term, my self-harming isn’t anything that might cause serious injury. I’m not cutting or burning myself, although the other evening, I did think about slamming my finger in a door. And that brings me to my point, I am self harming.
What I am doing is whenever I make what I call a ‘stupid mistake,’ I respond by punching myself in the head. My logic being I did something stupid, I deserve a punch. When I’m typing on the computer, I slap my hand when I make too many typing mistakes. As for the finger in the door thought, I wanted to do that because I opened a spam email when I wanted to delete it. On the grand scale of things, I know that this isn’t serious to most people nor is it life threatening. However, under the definition, what I am doing is self harm.
Now you may be asking, “Why don’t you just not punch yourself in the head?” I wish it was that easy. The punches to the head usually come from out of nowhere, I’m not actually thinking of doing it, it comes as a reaction from the perceived stupid mistake I just made. What adds more fuel to the fire is that my Asperger’s mind is overloaded because of my mistake and it getting in the way of what I’m trying to accomplish. Therefore, any inward voice telling me not to punch myself is muted. I just simply am not thinking rationally at that second due to mental overload.
Naturally, I want to stop this behaviour, especially as there has been a sharp increase in the number of occurrences in the past year. Some might say I am being ridiculous here but I can’t help thinking that if I continue to self harm in this manner for more years, I will eventually end up like Muhammad Ali. That might be the far extreme but what I do know is that this self-harming isn’t good for me and I need to stop it. Saying just don’t do it doesn’t work. I need some other types of advice to get me to stop.
Shameless plug for “He Was Weird:” When writing the story, I did toy with the idea of making Mark a self-harmer but it didn’t fit into the story. Besides, I didn’t self harm that much when I was younger. Furthermore, in the reality of the time, if Mark did self harm in the story, his bullies would have tormented him more so they could watch him do it.
To buy He Was Weird, go to: https://www.amazon.co.uk/He-Was-Weird-Michael-Lefevre/dp/1909740942/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1537212231&sr=1-1&keywords=he+was+weird