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Today’s post is a collaboration with Cherie White, whose book “From Victim to Victor” I reviewed a few weeks back. Cherie and I had similar experiences with bullying and we both overcame and have gone onto lead good lives. Since our bullying experiences were several decades ago, we discussed what might our bullies would say now if they had found out that we were talking about them and their bullying of us. I present now Cherie’s and my thoughts on the subject.

It’s been half a century since I lived in the town where I was so badly bullied for three years. I have no interest in the town nor would I care to see anyone from it, even those who I considered friends. In reality, I don’t think they would remember me and that’s the first point. If they found out that I was talking about them and how much they bullied me, they would complain that I was bringing up something which they had forgotten a long time ago and that I should let it go. On the other hand, some of those would find it amusing that their bullying still burns in my memory. They would take some comfort in the misbelief that their bullying was still tormenting me some fifty years later. Here’s some of the things they would say and my counter to them.

1. Why are you bringing up something that happened 50 years ago?

80smetalman says: It’s easy for a bully to move on but not quite so easy for the target to do the same. The psychological damage caused by bullying can last for many years after the event. If not controlled, it can effect the target’s confidence for a long time. While the memories do eventually fade, they won’t totally go away. In my case, I didn’t drive the final nail into that coffin until I wrote my book, “He Was Weird” nine years ago.

Chateau Cherie says: I agree- it’s much easier for bullies to move on than it is for the target. And the psychological damage can last a lifetime. However, I refuse to let my bullies live in my head rent free. Therefore, I chose to take something bad that happened to me and turn it into good. When I wrote and published my book, “From Victim to Victor: A Survivor’s True Story of Her Experiences with School Bullying,” I got to say what I really wanted to say all those years ago but couldn’t because I had allowed my classmates to silence me. And, let me tell you, it was a healing power like no other! Because the book was my mouthpiece!

2. We had forgotten about you until you brought this up.

80smetalman says: Again, it’s much easier for the bully to forget than it is for the target, and I believe that most of my bullies would have forgotten about it and probably forgotten about me. However, as the target, I will not forget the bullying I suffered back then. On the positive, I have been able to put it behind me and move on achieving great things in my life.

Chateau Cherie says: Absolutely. Bullying is in the eye of the target, never the bullies. When I wrote and published FVTV, and when a few of my classmates read it, I receive a huge amount of backlash from them, as was already expected. I got threatening emails and messages, they accused me of lying about everything. There were other remarks as well, telling me to “get over it,” and that they “were going to meet me in a back alley somewhere one day.” It’s funny how my bullies really exposed themselves once I spoke out. And in threatening and attacking me like they did, they only proved that everything I’d written in the book was true all along. Don’t you just love it when the masks begin to fall off?

3. You’re still a pussy whining about it.

80smetalman says: Actually, people have said the exact opposite. That I am brave for speaking out about it. Already, I can hear in my mind those bullies trying to be sarcastic about the last statement, but the truth is that I do think I am brave for coming forward. Bullies thrive on the notion that their targets will never speak up about it. Therefore, doing just that gets them all in a twist.

Chateau Cherie says: Yep! I got that reaction too, only slightly different. They told me that I must be crazy for bringing up old stuff. And the classmates who made this statement never denied what they did. But I can tell you that everyone outside of the Oakley HS crowd told me that they admired my strength and bravery for speaking out about the abuse I suffered at the hands of my classmates. Therefore, I don’t let my former bullies’ attacks bother me. I have a huge number of supporters and that, in itself, makes anything my classmates have to say irrelevant. My bullies counted on me to be silent and keep their dirty little secrets and when I finally began speaking out, that’s when the floodgates of hell opened and they unleashed their vitriol once again, 30 years later. It only goes to show that bullies seldom change, they only grow bigger and get worse as they get older. I don’t hate my classmates, but I do pity them. It takes some miserable people leading pretty miserable and boring lives to take pleasure in inflicting such abuse on another human being.

4. I had that effect on you that you still can’t shake it 50 years on, I must be good.

80smetalman says: No, you were just a bully. Bullies wear their bullying as some sort of badge of honour and many of mine would take pride in the thought that their bullying was still getting to me. If they want to think their bullying was something to be proud of, then they are the sad ones. I have shaken it off for good when I wrote my book.

Chateau Cherie says: I couldn’t agree more! Bullies are the worst kind of pathetic. My bullies from Oakley, Tennessee would love to think that they are still living inside my head. But nothing could be further from the truth. And yes, many of them still pat themselves on the back for the evil they did year ago. However, they’re not smart enough to realize that, people like them- bullies- are a pitiful bunch. People bully because they cannot get what they want in life by any other way than by force. When someone has to use force to get their wants and needs satisfied, it speaks volumes about them. It says that this person has no communication skills, no people skills, and no persuasion skills. It also says that this person is only compensating for the qualities they lack and for their own flaws and shortcomings. That’s a pretty sad and miserable person in my book, and they are to be pitied.

5. You’re just using your so-called Asperger’s as an excuse for all the weird things you did and now you want us to feel sorry for you.

80smetalman says: The other excuse the bullies would use was that Asperger’s wasn’t around back then, so they didn’t know better. Now that they do, they can realize that my ‘weird’ behaviour was down to a mental health condition, their bullying wasn’t ever going to cure it. Furthermore, I don’t want their sympathy, I have been without it for 50 years now so their ‘feeling sorry’ for me wouldn’t be any good now.

Chateau Cherie says: I’m neurotypical and don’t have ASD. However, my bullies did accuse me of being mentally imbalanced anytime I stood up to them. And they would probably say something to the effect of, “we have no sympathy for the mentally ill.” And like you, I don’t want their pity. I’d much rather have them hate me than to pity me because there’s dignity in being hated. But there’s no dignity at all in being pitied.

6. We inspired you to write a book, you should thank us.

80smetalman says: No you didn’t. What you inspired me to do was to clean the final skeleton of the many you put there out of the closet inside my brain. If you don’t remember, I had a very fertile imagination and I am getting ideas for stories coming into all the time. So, I should thank you because you making my life a total misery gave me inspiration? No, I shouldn’t have had that sort of ‘inspiration’ to begin with.

Chateau Cherie says: My bullies would say the same. I guess I would say something differently. I’d tell my bullies, “Yes, you did! You also inspired me to advocate for the very people that people like you seek to destroy.

You inspired me to speak out about the evil you did and to call every one of you out for your stupidity. You inspired me to take the lemons you give me and make lemonade. So, thank you. In trying to tear me down, you ended up building me up. And I’d say it with sarcasm and a smirk. And it would really take the wind out of their sails.

Michael’s Conclusion:

The easiest thing to say is that I should forgive, forget and move on, well I have. Those bullies will never realize the harm they did to me during those three years but if they were to find out that I called them out on it, the vast majority of them would react in the ways I’ve have stated here. However, there may be one or two who would actually apologize. To be blunt, bullying wrecks lives and that can have a lasting effect many years down the line. I write this not for me but as a warning to present day bullies and to let targets know that life can get better and that you can rise above the crap and lead a good life.

Cherie’s Conclusion:

I have forgiven my bullies but I’ll never forget. Because if we forget, we’re likely to continue suffering the same treatment from other bullies. In other words, I hold no grudges nor ill will toward my former bullies. I wish them well. But I’ll never be able to trust them and, therefore, would rather sever all ties and move on with my life. It’s the safest way and I can ensure that everyone on both sides are happy.

I can say that a couple of my former bullies have apologized and for that, I’m grateful. The vast majority of them have not apologised and that’s okay. Many of them still hold the same resentment of me today as they did thirty plus years ago. Again, that’s okay. They are the ones who must live with themselves and with their anger and hatred. It’s their issue, not mine.

I agree with Michael that bullying does indeed wreck lives and it can stay with the target for the rest of their lives if they don’t educate themselves about the bully mindset, put in the inner work to get their confidence back and create enough positive experiences in their adulthood to balance out the negative experiences they had with bullies as a child or teen.

Bullying is traumatic for the target and the aftereffects of it can last for decades. However, I want targets to be assured that, life gets better…much better! There is life after bullying and you can begin to flourish and move on to a life filled with love, success, peace, and happiness. I’m living proof of this. And if I can do it, anyone can.

If you’re a target or survivor of bullying, always believe in yourself no matter what! Love and accept your flaws and imperfections, for we all have them. And love yourself for all that you are. Know that you have value and that you matter! You are enough!